For some reason I left the house and decided to walk to the store and I left both girls at home alone. As I walked back home I heard crying coming from the house and dropped my groceries and started to run to the house, but I couldn’t get there. I kept running and running but the house never got closer it just was still far away but the crying gets louder and louder. Then all of a sudden I wake up and sit up straight in bed like I’ve just been poked in the ribs and I unclench my teeth and gasp for air. Once I realized that I was dreaming I lay back down.
This is a recurring nightmare that I have from time to time and mostly the details are the same. Sometimes I am going to get the mail, sometimes I am just going for a walk but the end result is the same, I can’t get back to the house in time to help the girls.
Lily was about 1 1/2 hours away at her cousins house and the night before my sister-in-law told me that Lily’s eye looked a little red and puffy. Then the next morning she suggested I call the doctor because eyes had discharge and were red. So I called Lily’s doctor and they were totally booked. They could refer me to the urgent care but I would have to call back at Noon to see if there were any cancellations at Lily’s doctors office first before they would refer her. So I called my insurance company and they let me know that Lily can be seen at any urgent care or ER when she is out of her network. So after some coordination we got her an appointment at an urgent care near my sister-in-laws house at 10:15 am.
I was shopping for one last minute Christmas gift for Abby and now I needed to get to Lou’s work to switch cars with him so that he could pick up Abby from preschool because I wasn’t sure if I was going to be back home in time. Then some work issues were starting to arise and I wasn’t able to get them fixed because my team was working on it but I was still anxious about it not getting done in time.
I called my sister-in-law twice so that I could speak to Lily and both times it went to voicemail, then I texted her and didn’t hear back. I just wanted to talk with Lily to see how she was doing but between trying to coordinate with the insurance company, the doctors offices and each other I never got to talk to her because they were trying to rush off to the urgent care. As I drove to Lou’s work I realized that I needed to get gas and toll money and then I missed the exit off the freeway to his work. This was now going to put me behind even further and I was going to miss Lily’s doctor’s appointment.
Then all of a sudden there was this feeling of a punch in my chest that took the wind out of me. I tried to take a deep breath and I couldn’t but I kept trying to breath and felt like I couldn’t get enough air. I had my Bluetooth in my ear so I just tapped the phone and called my mom to help me. Not sure what she could do but I needed someone on the phone with me. As I tried to talk to her I said “I can’t breath” she asked me “are you in an accident?” I said “No, I can’t breath” she said “I can’t understand you, are you ok?” I said “I can’t breath”. In retrospect this was pretty funny. While I was trying to breath, I had to keep telling her that I couldn’t breath. Somehow I made it off the freeway and started back to Lou’s work while my mom keep asking me what was wrong. The whole time I was driving I felt my entire body tighten up, my face was tingling and tears were just rolling down my face and I still couldn’t breath. I was having a panic attack, and a really bad one.
When I finally made it to Lou’s work I was still having the panic attack and he hoped in the car and I parked. I felt horrible, my whole body was tight, felt like I was going to barf and I still couldn’t breath. He started talking to me and I couldn’t process what he was saying, it just sounded like garbled words. I remember telling him “I need to get to Lily, I need to get to Lily, I need to get to Lily”. By this time her appointment was happening in 15 minutes and obviously there was no way I was going to make it to her appointment, I still needed gas and get toll money and drive there.
As I sat there trying to calm down, I realized that I wasn’t going to make it, I wasn’t going to be there for Lily. There were too many obstacles in my way and this was my recurring nightmare coming true. Now, let’s remember that she didn’t have a broken arm or been in an accident nor was she in grave danger. She was in good hands with her aunt BUT for me I just really felt that I needed to be there for her no matter how minor this situation was.
So, Lily had the doctor appointment without me and was prescribed drops for her eyes and I ended up picking up Abby from Preschool early, getting lunch, gas and meeting my sister-in-law 1/2 way between our houses and I was back in town by 2pm. It seems that Lily just has a cold and is suffering from really bad allergies.
The lesson here is that I need to relax and I am sure that you can all see that, but how can I relax when there is so much going on? There is Family to take care of, work tasks to be done and holiday things to do. I am not sure exactly was to do except that something has to change. Today I am home with Lily we are watching movies and doing Fun Fusion. There are a ton of things on my to do list but those will need to wait.
